Drafted on 15 November 2012, a day before I went into labour. Yes, she’s here! Birth announcement coming up soon.
Okay I admit it: I’m feeling restless already. I would be lying if I tell you I’m still as serene and calm as I would have liked to. Not because I don’t enjoy being pregnant; not because I want to rush mm out but well, every mom is entitled to some rantings once in a while. It’s just that falling and staying asleep has become something really hard to attain these nights. I miss sleeping on my back. I waddle around like a penguin, especially when my bladder is half full and I need to get to the loo every 20 minutes or so. I miss standing up or changing my positions easily and immediately, without needing a helping hand or strategising how to lift myself up sans squashing my belly or twisting too much.
My dreams (or rather nightmares) have been weird too. They have been non-pregnancy related, but most of the time represented buried feelings of frustration and anger. It could be from a recent experience which left me feeling disturbed and disappointed; I am still trying hard to forgive this particular person, to let go and move on.
Suddenly, everything seems harder. The possibles become maybes. The thought of going into labour scares me. Can I manage it? Will I achieve my birth dreams? The confidence I have been building over the past few months is suddenly shaken. I question myself…a LOT.
I believe that emotions can influence the course of our labour, so I have been trying hard to find peace within myself. I chanced upon this post by Birth Without Fear on staying positive as D-day approaches and find it speaking out loud to me:
“Sweet baby, I trust your wisdom. I have faith that you know better than any of us earthside. I know the veil is so thin for you that you are connected to the truth. I will not interfere with that pureness. I will only have patience, trust and faith.
I know the pain I am feeling is only physical. I know it will not last. I know that it will all vanish the moment you are in my arms. I know that as I count your toes…1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10…with each number my memories of discomfort, lack of sleep, aches and pains will all fade away into a distant memory. I will only feel the ecstasy of birthing you…of giving you life.
I am in awe with every uterine tightening I feel. It’s my body’s way of giving my baby a gentle hug.
I thoroughly enjoy each tightening of my belly. It reminds me that my body and baby are and will work in perfect unison to bring my baby to me. I welcome this physical change with anticipation and excitement!
I am not only going to Birth Without Fear for myself, but for all the women who have birthed WITH fear. I will birth with POWER to give women after me hope and strength to pull from. Birth is safe…as safe as life can be…and I will trust in it and bring this baby into this world with confidence, love and courage.
No matter how weak and tired I feel, I know my uterus is strong and powerful. My uterus innately knows how to work WITH my baby to gently birth him/her. I wait in anticipation to it tightening, squeezing and gently pushing my baby eErthside. I am honoured to be part of the process.
“As I embrace these last few weeks of pregnancy…I am in awe of the process. My body innately knows how to create a baby from tiny little cells to a precious newborn. I can not wait to hold you, smell you and feel the glory of birth. That moment is irreplaceable and I yearn to feel the empowering triumph of birthing without fear.”
I’m now living one day at a time…come what may! Even if I go beyond 42 weeks, bring it on! For I want mm to be 100% ready; for she knows what’s best for her and will come when she’s truly ‘baked’.
I will only have patience, trust and faith now.