6 signs that led me to homebirth

I would be a big fat liar if I tell you that I was confident and positive all the way as soon as we set our minds on homebirth. Like everyone else, I also stumbled upon days when the negative what-ifs outweighed our pure and sincere intention of providing a safe, calm and gentle birth for Xan and me. What if things didn’t go as planned?

I’m not sure if you believe in the power of God, fate and destiny, but I do. Every single time my faith begins to falter, positive – signs from out of nowhere appeared to reassure me that yes, everything would be alright – as if answering my dilemmas.

I have worked hard for what I have today; things rarely come easily to me without extra effort or commitment. If they do – more often that not – I take it as a sign that it’s meant to be. Perhaps it’s true what one of my HypnoBirthing friends said to me: “It’s the energy you’re attracting. The more positive you feel, the more you want something, the more easily people who are connected to this circle with such energy will come to you.”

Upon deciding to birth at home at six months pregnant, the experiences below further convinced me that it was meant to be:

► Birth goal board – I never planned where to put what. All I did was to compile the wordings, photos and lists that I wanted to be in and started pasting them on. They fit perfectly…and so easily, with no thoughts required. Definitely a sign 🙂

► Birthing pool – my first attempt to purchase the round fish pool regularly used by homebirthers at Toys r Us, 1 Utama, proved futile. Fearing that they may have phased out this particular pool, I searched at the Bangsar Village outlet. There were so many types for sale there, including my preferred choice. It’s a sign!

► Birthing skirt – I was initially thinking to convert a mini skirt into a birthing skirt. My criteria was simple: the material has to be stretchable, it has to fit my hippo hips and I should be able to sit comfortably in it. It didn’t take me long to find one at one of Jalan Telawi’s boutique. Only thing was, the skirt needed some modifications here and there. On the same day, I visited my friend’s boutique and guess what? Her shop carries stretchable long tube tops that can be easily pulled down to my hips and converted into a birthing skirt. Voila!

► Good Samaritan – I was feeling disoriented with the homebirth-hospital birth decision again one of those days when I brought E to the playground. It has been a long while since I did that due to the raining season and my lack of energy. We bumped into this father and toddler there, and struck a conversation. Further into our conversation, the man suddenly asked, “So are you planning to give birth in the hospital or at home?” I was taken aback. Ehhh…doesn’t everyone give birth in the hospitals these days? Then I discovered that his wife gave birth at home recently too. He shared tips and to-dos with me. Before we parted ways, he said “Jia you!” (meaning “Step it up!” in Mandarin) to me. Spooky but true. God was definitely watching over me 😀

► Obgyn – Knowing from the start that my obgyn Dr Choong isn’t receptive to homebirth, and wanting to have a plan B just in case we feel something’s not going right during the labour, we sought for a pro-homebirth obgyn nearby our house. Wai Han kindly shared that one of the homebirthers recently had an obgyn from Damansara Specialist Hospital who visited her at home after birth. The doctor himself was born at home too! So we made our way to see him, and he was supportive all the way. He’s Dato’ Dr Sivamohan. I will be forever grateful to him for exuding the positive vibes I needed so much during the last two months of my pregnancy.

► My Angulimala Sutta script – During my first pregnancy, my father-in-law gave me a laminated card of Angulimala Sutta script. It’s a Buddhism chant for expecting moms and the babies in their womb. I never failed to feel at peace everytime I recite it. Weeks before Xan came, the script went missing. My mind went a little berserk. Just when I looked high and low for it – even googling it up with the hope of finding the script with exact wordings – I followed my instincts and found it sandwiched in between one of my novels.

Don’t you think Xan and I had a guardian angel looking after us?

Keeping positive as the end of pregnancy approaches

Drafted on 15 November 2012, a day before I went into labour. Yes, she’s here! Birth announcement coming up soon.

Okay I admit it: I’m feeling restless already. I would be lying if I tell you I’m still as serene and calm as I would have liked to. Not because I don’t enjoy being pregnant; not because I want to rush mm out but well, every mom is entitled to some rantings once in a while. It’s just that falling and staying asleep has become something really hard to attain these nights. I miss sleeping on my back. I waddle around like a penguin, especially when my bladder is half full and I need to get to the loo every 20 minutes or so. I miss standing up or changing my positions easily and immediately, without needing a helping hand or strategising how to lift myself up sans squashing my belly or twisting too much.

My dreams (or rather nightmares) have been weird too. They have been non-pregnancy related, but most of the time represented buried feelings of frustration and anger. It could be from a recent experience which left me feeling disturbed and disappointed; I am still trying hard to forgive this particular person, to let go and move on.

Suddenly, everything seems harder. The possibles become maybes. The thought of going into labour scares me. Can I manage it? Will I achieve my birth dreams? The confidence I have been building over the past few months is suddenly shaken. I question myself…a LOT.

I believe that emotions can influence the course of our labour, so I have been trying hard to find peace within myself. I chanced upon this post by Birth Without Fear on staying positive as D-day approaches and find it speaking out loud to me:

“Sweet baby, I trust your wisdom. I have faith that you know better than any of us earthside. I know the veil is so thin for you that you are connected to the truth. I will not interfere with that pureness. I will only have patience, trust and faith.

I know the pain I am feeling is only physical. I know it will not last. I know that it will all vanish the moment you are in my arms. I know that as I count your toes…1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10…with each number my memories of discomfort, lack of sleep, aches and pains will all fade away into a distant memory. I will only feel the ecstasy of birthing you…of giving you life.

I am in awe with every uterine tightening I feel. It’s my body’s way of giving my baby a gentle hug.

I thoroughly enjoy each tightening of my belly. It reminds me that my body and baby are and will work in perfect unison to bring my baby to me. I welcome this physical change with anticipation and excitement!

I am not only going to Birth Without Fear for myself, but for all the women who have birthed WITH fear. I will birth with POWER to give women after me hope and strength to pull from. Birth is safe…as safe as life can be…and I will trust in it and bring this baby into this world with confidence, love and courage.

No matter how weak and tired I feel, I know my uterus is strong and powerful. My uterus innately knows how to work WITH my baby to gently birth him/her. I wait in anticipation to it tightening, squeezing and gently pushing my baby eErthside. I am honoured to be part of the process.

“As I embrace these last few weeks of pregnancy…I am in awe of the process. My body innately knows how to create a baby from tiny little cells to a precious newborn. I can not wait to hold you, smell you and feel the glory of birth. That moment is irreplaceable and I yearn to feel the empowering triumph of birthing without fear.”

I’m now living one day at a time…come what may! Even if I go beyond 42 weeks, bring it on! For I want mm to be 100% ready; for she knows what’s best for her and will come when she’s truly ‘baked’.

I will only have patience, trust and faith now.

Hypnobirthing course – Session #2

My inspiration this week:

“When you change the way you view birth, the way you birth will change.” ~ Marie F. Mongan

Last weekend’s class left a significant imprint in my mind and heart. Being the last to arrive, we went there without any expectations. WH began by telling us that there was a first-time mother in labour and she might have to answer her phone every now and then. Minutes after she said that, her phone rang. Her face lit up and exclaimed, “Baby is here!” The entire class broke into excitement when we heard cries of a newborn from the phone. Ahhh…the joys of welcoming a baby! 🙂

The topics we discussed during the session were:

PRE-BIRTH BONDING
► We do remember how we were born – subconsciously. These memories are retrievable through hypnosis and therapy. According to David Chamberlain in one of the case histories presented in his book Babies Remember Birth, “I felt like the most intelligent person when I was born. I know what everyone was thinking but nobody understands what I was thinking!”

► Birth can influence a child’s personality and ultimately, life.

► WH showed us a documentary titled What Babies Want where a pair of twin babies was captured in the womb until toddlerhood. At 20 weeks gestational period, they were seen playing with each other in their mommy’s womb with the twin brother reaching out his little hand to stroke his sister. Fast forward five years later, the twins were often seen playing the same game – with each of them standing in between a sheer curtain where the twin brother would stroke and pat his sister like those good old times in the womb! How amazing!

► Babies below two years old do not have a ‘want’, only ‘need’ for food, warmth and love. They cannot be spoilt or given too much love.

WH asked each of us the things we have done to bond with our baby so far. I broke down in tears when my turn came. Reading the chapter on pre-birth bonding in the Hypnobirthing book prior to this has already evoked feelings of guilt. One of the quotes in there jolted me real hard. I admit I have not done much for ddmm but when asked openly, it was like adding salt to injury. I felt guilty and ashamed for:

– Feeling shocked about the pregnancy at the very beginning. ddmm was planned but unexpected but still, why on earth would I feel that way? {Note to ddmm: Mommy no longer feel this way, swear to Buddha! You’re one of our greatest blessings!}

– Hiding my pregnancy for the sake of keeping my job and hoping to get equal privileges like everyone does. Family ALWAYS come first to me irrespectively, hence having to do this made me felt cornered with no whatsoever control of my say and view. This will NEVER happen again.

– Indulging in negative thoughts and unnecessary arguments on things/people that shouldn’t even matter.

– Losing control in managing my stress levels at work. Baby feels what we feel and I am not proud to say that ddmm has probably been feeling more undesirable vibes than good ones 😦

I shouldn’t have allowed the guilt, stress and negative emotions cloud my mind and affect my connection with ddmm. Surprisingly, letting it out during the class did me lots of good. I released the pent-up emotions and emerged more motivated than ever to be a better mom for ddmm. After my shocking meltdown, two other moms confessed and let go of their emotions too. It was a really inspiring session. 😀

PREPARATION FOR LABOUR
► When to get to the hospital? Follow the 4-1-1 rule where each surge (contraction) comes every 4 minutes, lasting 1 minute each for 1 hour continuously.

► When applying the breathing methods below, remember to use your tummy, not chest. Inhale by taking in breath with your nose and filling up your tummy (like a balloon). To exhale, release down and outward through your nose gently, as if breathing out oxygen to baby (without consciously flattening your tummy).

► Calm breathing – Inhale on the count of 4, exhale on the count of 8. To be used in between surges.

► Surge breathing – Inhale 20, exhale 20. To be used during surge. Prepare for D-day by practising this during Braxton Hicks.

► Birth breathing – No count but basically: in short, out long. Imagine an upside down J. Use it when baby is crowning or when you feel the urge to push.

DID YOU KNOW?

► The more stiffed our jaw is, the more tensed our cervix becomes. So remember to keep your jaw loose and relaxed during labour for your baby to transcend smoothly.

► Baby’s heartbeat drops at every surge, hence it’s important to be relaxed and take deep breaths during each surge.

► The vernix that covers a newborn’s body during birth is waterproof, acts as an antibody and traps heat to keep baby warm. If left untouched, it will be absorbed by the skin. Request your midwife to leave the vernix on and bathe baby after a day or two.

ddmm: Back-up plan on D-day

One of the first questions that came into our minds when we first discovered about ddmm’s presence was, what do we do with E when I go into labour? If you have a good family support system, that’s probably taken care of already. Our families are supportive too but unfortunately, they are based in another state.

Why not my hometown, Malacca?
Giving birth in Malacca is out of the question as nine out 10 obstetricians there will end up cutting open their patients for quick money or unsubstantiated reasons. At least that’s what I have heard and observed among my friends and relatives who gave birth in private hospitals there.

One of my cousins wanted to try for a vaginal birth after C-sec for her second child but by week 36, she was intimidated by her doctor into believing that the umbilical cord was ‘choking’ her baby and she had to be taken out immediately. Note: It’s normal and not life-threatening for umbilical cord to wrap around baby’s neck at birth. One just needs to gently unloop the cord as soon as the newborn’s head is out and before the entire body is born She sought a second opinion and was told that nothing like that had happened. She ended up being cut open, nonetheless.

The same goes to both my sisters. Eldest sister gave birth to her first son naturally in Malacca and was traumatised ever since. Apparently, her placenta refused to come out and the doctor had to insert his entire hand into her body to remove it. She has since opted for elective C-secs for her subsequent kids, including the one who’s arriving in July. No words from me could convince her that C-sec is a major surgery that should only be performed on mums who have emergency health conditions and that it IS possible to have a gentle birth.

A first-time mum-to-be, my youngest sister is already brainwashed into the mentality that “vaginal birth will change your sex life” (not true), “it will hurt so much it’s impossible for someone as petite as you to push the baby out” (not true), “C-sec is easy, fast and convenient” (it’s a major abdominal surgery and meant for mums with emergency health conditions only! Every woman’s body is designed to birth naturally) and so on. She is going for an elective C-sec this August too. *Sigh*

Plus, I can’t foresee myself undergoing confinement period at my parents’ house. From my experience with E, Hubby’s support and presence is very crucial during the first few weeks. I don’t want Hubby and E to rush up and down from KL every weekend to visit us here. Additionally, I do not want to feed my “lovely” sister-in-law’s favourite past-time and be the reason behind more of her concocted dramas.

KL, for sure…and the possibilities
I have sisters here but one will have a newborn to juggle by July while another – well, I’ll just have to ask. Our main concern is, with E being E, he doesn’t warm up to people easily.

Hubby and I have been bouncing ideas for two weeks now. If my labour begins in the daytime on a weekday and baby comes quickly after that, then all is well because E would be at the daycare. But if it happens at night, that’s when the problem begins. We thought of…

#1 Make advance arrangement with the daycare operator and drop him off at his daycare when it happens. I can already imagine him looking all confused and wailing as we drive off without him. No can do.

#2 Get help from people he can get along with such as my father-in-law and aunt-in-law. Based on prior experience, FIL can only handle him for a maximum of one hour before he gets tired too while AIL won’t be able to take time off from work plus have to care for her aging mother in hometown.

#3 Hubby suggested that maybe we can get one of E’s favourite Kakaks at the daycare to come over to our house and babysit him. Leave E alone at home? A stranger in our house? No no no.

#4 Get a friend to be my birth companion and join me in all my Hypnobirthing classes. When my labour begins, she will be with me in the labour room while S handles E. The person I’m comfortable with and have in mind is not married/a mum yet, and I certainly do not want to leave a bad taste about childbirth in her by letting her see what’s labour like.

A or B?
We finally concluded that we have two practical options:

OPTION A
Hire a doula to accompany me and keep me focused during labour/birth while Hubby takes care of E. A doula is a labour coach and non-medical person who assists a woman before, during or after childbirth, as well as her partner and/or family by providing information, physical assistance and emotional support.

However, the services don’t come cheap at RM1,800 but if it means labouring in peace and knowing E is in good hands, I don’t mind saving RM200 a month from now onwards. We have to make our decision soon as there’s only one certified doula in Malaysia and it’s Dragon year.

More information about doula services in Malaysia here.

OPTION B
Send E to my sister’s. It’s a good arrangement considering that all three of her kids are rather independent already and they get along well with E. Plus an environment with kids and toys will keep him distracted and occupied. As we will be attending Hypnobirthing lessons in June, it will be timely to send E to my sister’s for acclimatisation during the five Saturdays when the classes will be conducted. So when the big day arrives, he would already be comfortable there.

Our task now is to discuss this with my sister and find out if she’s comfortable with babysitting E overnight. I will still love her regardless of a ‘yes’ or ‘no’, as this sister is special in a way that she appreciates order and system in her daily life.

Well, if Option 2 doesn’t work, we will go for Option 1 and play by ear when the time comes. Who knows, maybe a better option will immerse as we move along.

Update: Option 2 is a no go. Sister has turned down my request for fear of not being able to settle E. We are also KIV-ing Option A as the doula may not be available in November and can’t confirm her schedule until the next few months. So we are back to square one.

Alas, maybe I will end up giving birth at home, or maybe birthing alone in the hospital. Anyone wants to be my cheerleaders? We can have a birth party! I promise to serve brownies. Any takers? 🙂

Terrific two

Have you ever stared at your sleeping toddler and wondered, “How did the once calm and docile newborn you gave birth to turned into such a strong-willed child?” I certainly hope we are not the only parents experiencing such drastic change in our child’s behaviour – that it’s just another phase or something expectant parents go through with their eldest offspring.

E’s tantrums have been occurring more frequent than ever these days. It’s becoming more challenging to keep the house mess-free as the little one roams around endlessly, attempts new act (even dangerous ones) at every opportunity and grabs everything that’s within or out of his reach. The world seems to revolve around him only, and nothing but him. Tantrums begin when we try to defy him. Hubby and I are at our wits’ ends figuring out what else we can do to ease this process.

Raising Ewan
We have never been the kind of parents who take the easy way out and give in to every of his whims and fancies. We have always set boundaries and are strict when there’s a need to be. Our style of parenting has always revolved around practicality, simplicity and being grateful. We never spoilt him or lavish him with limitless gifts; our greatest present is spending time and giving him one-to-one attention. We have always ensured that in any potential meltdown, options are given, negotiation/coaxing is attempted and distraction is carried out in the most desperate scenario. We choose which battle to fight and which to let go. He wins some, we lose some and vice versa. But lately, we have resorted to things we never thought we would do (and not proud to tell) – physical punishment, threats, TV to keep him quiet etc. It doesn’t help when I’m suffering from round-the-clock nausea and lethargy, while the overtired Hubby holds the fort. At times like this, I really wish that we have external help from family members or perhaps, a domestic helper. It would have been nice to give Hubby and I a break.

Tantrum episode
Last Saturday was especially tough. We were back in our hometown, having lunch at a nearby cafe. As usual, E asked for this and that (more sauce, more soup, one extra fork/spoon etc.) while we were eating. Then, out of a sudden, he uttered something that sounded like ‘diaper’ and pointed to the table. There wasn’t any diaper on the table, so we thought that maybe he wanted my noodles and gave him some. Frustrated, he started whimpering and said ‘no’. So Hubby and I took turns to offer everything that was on the table one by one but nothing worked. His cries turned into wails and every patron in the cafe started staring at us. Grandpa tried to distract him by offering to go ‘walk-walk’ outside but E retorted and screamed “Nooooooooo!” I offered him my starfruit juice (which usually works) but he declined. We continued to persuade him and find out what exactly he wanted. I gave him a hug to calm him down. No luck. Pregnant and starving (I was not even half way through my meal!), I started losing my patience and tapped him. When all failed and he became out of control, I dumped my noodles, yanked him out of his chair (which he was holding on to tightly) and stormed out of the cafe. It would have helped if I have kept my cool but I didn’t. I put him down on the sidewalk for him to ‘let it out’. He rolled around the dirty ground, wailing as if something horribly terrible just happened. We left the cafe shortly after that, with E still wailing and screaming “eat!” “eat!” “eat!” Obviously, he was still hungry but we concluded that if he chose to misbehave during mealtimes, he would go hungry. He fell asleep in my arms on the way home. When he woke up, it was like as if nothing happened. He was back to his usual ~la la la la~ self.

That night, he had a nightmare. He woke up crying “Apple juice!” “Apple juice!” It was then I realised that he has probably been losing too often lately. That probably we have been too strict and inflexible. That perhaps ddmm’s presence shattered his sense of security and made him desiring our attention more than ever. I am guilty of spending more time lying down than nurturing him recently.

Oh did I mention how clingy he was with me? He even followed me to the bathroom when I had to pee in the middle of the night! It’s like I’ve grown a mini shadow overnight 🙂

If you have gone through a similar tantrum episode before, what did you do to contain the situation? Is it perfectly normal for a child to be extra clingy and needy during the impending arrival of a sibling? How can I get my calm and assured child back?